Work From Home Mom Lessons: Part 1
I say “Part 1” because I figure this will be an ongoing saga in my life for the foreseeable future.
It’s going to keep coloring everything I do and how I do it until something about this lifestyle changes - either I go back to a conventional office career, or some other curveball wallops me. Either way, the last few months have seen many of us parents working out of new territory: working from home with children.
I was at my last role still when COVID-19 started. Due to issues with lung disease and hypertension, my pulmonologist and primary care physician both recommended I stay home and social distance. I spent roughly 2 months working what was supposed to be a 9-5 job, from home, with a toddler.
And it drained the very light from my soul. I was exhausted. I felt defeated. I didn’t feel like I was succeeding at being a mom OR in my job.
As time went on and I made an attempt to return to the office, it became clear some of the career unhappiness had more to do with being a poor fit for the role and company than anything.
That said, working from home with a toddler can still be exhausting and intensely difficult at times. He’s a wonderful, easy-going, happy little tornado, but he’s still a toddler. He’s going to get hangry, have meltdowns, or need extra attention. But, these days, it just feels different.
What makes it different now, being self-employed, compared to having a traditional office job?
Schedule. I build my own. I stick to the schedule that works for our family. I’m not trying to watch a child while also shoehorning in normal office hours, and it makes all the difference. A typical Monday, Wednesday, or Friday (he’s usually with Grammy on Tuesday and Thursday) tends to look like this:
Getting up early with Jamie
Having a dance party in the kitchen while we eat
Daddy gets up and takes him for a bit so I can get myself presentable and drink some coffee
Daddy takes his daily morning meeting and Jamie and I do work/play time
Jamie may or may not join me for my daily morning meeting with one of my clients
Work/play for a bit
Eat lunch around 11
After lunch, Jamie naps and Mommy works
Afternoon work/play time
Early dinner around 5 followed by family time
Jamie’s down to bed at 7
Once Jamie’s in bed, I put in a few hours of work
Colleagues/clients. Being able to choose who you work with — i.e. only people who respect your priorities, schedule, values, and working style — is a game-changer. Because I choose my clients, I only need to work with people whose values and priorities align with mine. Not only does that mean I get to pursue the course I feel is best for the client with minimal roadblocks, but it also means the periodic hangry screaming toddler or diaperless streaker cameos on Zoom calls are met with laughter instead of disdain.
Certainty. The early part of my work-from-home mom journey, at the start of COVID-19, was fraught with questions. How long would I be home? When would I go back? Would my company keep me safe? Being on edge waiting for updates on when I could be back or what measures would be taken to protect me was exhausting. Now, I know I’m just home. I get to build a routine for the indefinite future. That helps SO much.
Flexibility. Even in my first few weeks, I’ve learned so much about what it takes to build the kind of contracts that are sustainable in this situation. Flexibility to work on your own time, by your own terms, is key. I usually put in half of my hours for the day, AFTER the kid is in bed. I only attend meetings I feel can reasonably fit within Jamie’s schedule. A typical salaried job with an expectation of 9-5 schedules just wouldn’t work when your productive times are during kiddo’s TV time, naps, meals, or bedtime.
Autonomy. I do what works for my family. I have the freedom to say, “Hey, Josh has client calls on Wednesday, so that’s my lower-hours day.” I can also say, “This project’s timelines and resources don’t fit my availability, so I’ll have to pass. Thank you.” While I’m still responsible for bringing in income for our family, I have the ability to tailor my partners and projects. If something doesn’t align with the time commitments I want to make, or conflicts with our priorities as a family unit, I’m out.
Squad. Over the years, I’ve stumbled into some of the most amazing friendships. Not only have I had the pleasure to be blessed with fantastic mentors, but some of THE best cheerleaders. A high percentage of my friends, especially other women, have experience in entreprenuership. When I announced this was happening, I found myself absolutely drowning in spectacular support from men and women alike. But the sweetest, the very best support, has come from those other brave women who are fighting the same battles as me every day, balancing the motherhood with careers running their own businesses.
(Special shout-out to Brooke at Rural Gone Urban for texting me within minutes of seeing the news, ready to be the biggest hypeman a gal has ever had. She’s doing the mom thing AND the business owner thing AND beating cancer AND uplifting other women. Bad. Ass. With a capital B A.)
All that said, you still have to be kind to yourself. I mean, EVERYONE should be kind to themselves, not JUST WFH moms — but with our trademark mommy guilt and high expectations for ourselves, it’s even easier for work-from-home moms to mentally punish themselves for normal circumstances and shortcomings. Just recently, I was on a call with the eCommerce team for a client of mine that creates absolutely fantastic shoes, KURU. The tiny tornado of a toddler that normally is happy, great at occupying himself and very easy-going when Mama needs to be on a Zoom call, decided he needed to have a holy meltdown.
We were approaching lunchtime, he was hungry, and he wanted the whole world to know it. We’d also played HARD that morning, and he was ready for his after-lunch nap.
I apologized profusely for his background screaming. At one point he even streaked across the call screen behind me, sans diaper, although I’m not sure anyone realized it. I was embarrassed that my toddler would deem that the right time to do………..well, toddler things.
Because, at the end of the day, toddlers are maniacal tiny people literally learning how to be humans. Their fulltime job is to play, to explore their emotions, thoughts, existence, and world. Jamie was just doing his job. And despite my desire to apologize profusely, the reality was, I was doing mine as well.
The move to freelancing was very much motivated by a desire to be more hands-on at home with my boy. As a business owner, my job is to balance the work I do for others, and the most important work of all: loving that weird little kid who hates clothes, unconditionally. I can do both, and I can do both well.
But only if I give myself the credit I deserve of being good at both of those things, since I’m doing it on my terms.
Mama, if you’re feeling like you’re just not good enough, remember this: you are amazing, and you deserve to be kind to yourself. It’s far too easy to beat yourself up over a naked baby in a Zoom call. What’s easy isn’t always what’s right, though, and what’s right is that you see how much you actually shine and give yourself the same unconditional love and grace you give to your strange little roommate who doesn’t pay rent and leaves boogers everywhere.
I love you. I’m proud of you. You’re a badass.
Hi. I’m self-employed.
We all knew it wasn’t working.
I wanted it to work, but I wasn’t happy. They weren’t happy with the work I was churning out, either. My confidence had slipped, my focus wasn’t really there. As a result, some balls got dropped. I didn’t feel I could succeed with the tools I had, and they weren’t in a position to give me those tools.
It was kind of like watching a serious but still-fresh relationship unravel. We were 6 months in, and we loved each other as people, but neither of us was really living up to our best potential or getting what we needed out of the relationship.
On a Monday afternoon, we met - the 2 owners of the company, and myself. And with a sweet blend of tears and laughter, we agreed to part ways. I’d go home that night, newly unemployed with a freelancing side hustle that would offer some padding, but a weight lifted off my chest.
We’d gone into the relationship thinking we would be an Allie and Noah type love, and realized we were better off as friends. And embracing that truth, dear reader, instantly flipped a switch in my life.
Rewind to March 2018.
I was sitting on the floor in our master bath. My husband and I had been married 11 months, were finally feeling settled in our home, and had been thinking about starting a family. We tried for a few months, but too many things in my medical history and conversations with doctors left me feeling like it wouldn’t happen. We’d already had a false positive that rocked my world. We decided to focus on other things and NOT pressure ourselves.
Wouldn’t ya know it, but here I was on a Friday night in March, staring at a positive pregnancy test.
Scratch that - 5 positive pregnancy tests. I didn’t trust just one test anymore after the emotional roller coaster of the false positive. But 5? I could trust 5.
Josh, my husband, walked into the bathroom where I sat on the floor staring in shock. “What are you doing?”
“Uh…I have 5 positive pregnancy tests,” I said shakily. I’d been trying to decide how I was going to tell him, but this worked…I guess.
“So…should I put the pizza in the oven?” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we found out our pride and joy was arriving later that year.
Everyhing changes when you become a parent. Even before the baby is here in the outside world, priorities take a groundbreaking shift. The tectonic plates of your life grind and rearrange, and nothing is safe from the tremors.
I once thought “success” would be speaking at conferences, representing big, well-known brands as a leader in my field. I wanted to be THE eCommerce SEO boss lady. I wanted to travel and be recognized on social media as an expert. I wanted to be one of “the cool kids” in the digital marketing space.
All of those pink lines staring up at me from the bathroom floor suddenly rocked the foundations of those plans. And in November of that year, after 24 hours of labor and an emergency c-section featuring a quadruple cord wrap, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere but home with our boy every night.
Leading up to my return to work, Josh and I discussed what the new normal would be. We had an amazing daycare lined up, but throughout my pregnancy, we did toy with the idea of me going full-time as a freelancer and staying home with Jamie. It just didn’t feel right at the time. We weren’t quite there from a money standpoint. We had a lot of student loan debt and two car payments, plus our mortgage. I had colleagues I wasn’t ready to part ways with just yet. I went back to my job working for Hallmark’s digital group after 12 weeks of maternity leave, but knew it wasn’t likely to be permanent.
A few weeks after my 4th anniversary with Hallmark, I left. I gave my notice on Cyber Monday, a hilarious irony when you work in eCommerce. And I went to Nickel & Suede, excited to challenge myself in new ways.
That brings us back to May 2020, just a few weeks ago. I told a mentor of mine that things were going sour, and I planned to be parting ways with the company soon. He called me THAT NIGHT, offering to hire me as a freelancer for however many hours a week I wanted to work.
I had some small, loyal clients I knew I could count on, but it wasn’t enough to confidently go home full-time. But this offer? This mentor-turned-fairy-god-client? His faith in me was the golden ticket. I’d have enough work and enough income to stay home, as a consultant, and nurture my son.
I turned 30 on Sunday, May 31st. My first day of self-employment and work-from-home mom life was Monday, June 1st.
While it had always been a dream needling at the back of my mind, I didn’t think it would necessarily happen. Then, a little blonde boy with bright blue eyes entered our world. Some career moves didn’t fit. A mentor placed his trust in me. And here we are.
Hi. I’m self-employed. It’s a new adventure, but I’m so grateful to be here and so ready to share this journey. Thanks for coming along with me.